November 2011
2 posts
Yo, you ever been in love?
Me: Would you still love me if I stored cats in my freezer?
Josh: for what reason?
Me: Bc I liked it. They’re already dead, I don’t kill them.
Josh: yes, i would still love you. it’d have to be a separate freezer from the one you kept your food in though
Me: You’re the best. :)
October 2011
2 posts
September 2011
2 posts
I've always believed
that there are thousands of people out there for everyone. It’s generally just about timing and placement. Considering this idea, it’s always nice to realize you may have found one of those thousands of people. When your current partner sends you an audio message of a freestyle rap about your guinea pig and asks you to please film a silent video of the animal so he can play his rap in...
Everyone in my program is so stressed...
And maybe in a few weeks me not giving a fuck is going to bite me in the ass but for the time being? I am feeling just fine. Everyone relax and rejoice in the fact that Facebook just let me change my birth year to 1912.
Peace and love bitches.
I just completed something that I like to call,...
Monday you indulge in Moes Monday. For those of you who don’t know, this consists of a burrito, a drink, and as much chips and salsa as you can handle. All for pretty damn cheap.
Tuesday you shove something in your body called, Taco Tuesday at Tijuana Flats. Two tacos, chips, a drink, and a hot sauce bar the size of a canoe.
And finally Wednesday rolls around. Even though Chipotle...
July 2011
1 post
June 2011
2 posts
A reason to love this world
Driving home from a crazy good Jewish bagel shop I saw a skinny little man with a giant sign on his back that said how great god is and then he turns around and he has a puppet. A fucking human, ventriloquist puppet. The mouth was moving and so was the old man’s and it was fantastic. Gorgeous and fantastic.
So feel good because this man exists.
Guys
This woman next to me on the train is having the most intense conversation with someone on her phone who she is obviously romantically involved with. She’s telling him a story about god sending lifeboats and how he is one of her lifeboats. “I think this may be it. You may be it.” More than a few of us can hear her. Such an intimate conversation. So many of us listening.
May 2011
4 posts
2 tags
I will never be the friend
who leaves you hanging in the emotional eating department. Having a bad day and you just HAVE to eat that king size snickers? Don’t worry, I will never be that bitch who says, “you should definitely buy it. But i’m just gonna munch on this organic granola bar.” Fuck that. Go ahead, put it down on the counter, I’ll get us both.
Driving to the airport with Glenn
Dad: "There's a knife in my glove box if you want to start your orange with it."
Me: "Damn Dad, this is some Swiss Army shit. I should probably get something like this though, it's good if you need to attempt to protect yourself."
Dad: "I actually just put it in there to use the bottle opener but yeah I guess that stuff works too."
Just considered getting a pedicure
but then walked in and had to make the man repeat himself no less than 4 times. (he was literally just asking how he could help me) so I pretended to answer a phone call and walked out. Another day folks.
April 2011
3 posts
Guys
Sitting in the middle row during an incredibly crowded Easter church service surrounded by my boyfriend’s very religious family, and passing on the communion bread and wine without taking any. Also, looking down and pretending to pray right after the previously mentioned situation= AwKwArD aS sHiT.
3 tags
Oh hey there.
Just looking up white noise apps on my phone so I don’t have to hear my beautiful sister and her ugly-ass boyfriend’s lips slamming together.
March 2011
8 posts
I always love how fucking creepy and awesome it is
When a smell brings you way, way back. You can remember way too tiny details and maybe you smile a little to yourself and it’s all because of your animal like, eerie ass sense of smell.
Just saw and smelled a girl pulling out of Seminole State College smoking a straight blunt. Why is my life not different?
Off to go play Dirty Bingo
Who wants me to win them a 12 inch dildo?
I had a dream last night
that my mom wanted to show me the texts between her new girlfriend and her new boyfriend.
That’s my favorite little bisexual princess. :)
Also...
I walked into my house a few minutes ago and heard my mom ending a phone conversation.
“Don’t you call me a motherfucking bitch. Seriously? FUCK YOU!”
I mean it turns out she had good reason but jesus I love that woman.
I saw a tiny piece of my future today-
I was in a spinning class this morning and fell in love when I looked at the 2 bikes in front of me. An elderly couple was totally decked out in spandex and work out tanks ready to take on the hour long class. I didn’t think they could get any cuter until they simultaneously pulled out matching sweat bands for their foreheads.
Let’s just say they kicked some serious ass in that hour.
February 2011
10 posts
I think starting grad school in June
-is gonna be a lot like moving to Florida in the middle of the school year when I was in 7th grade. You pretty much take any friends you can get until you’re finally in a position to pick and choose em ya know? I was friends with a girl named Ingrid who lived in my neighborhood and she was alright I guess. I mean, she taught me how to booty dance in her dining room but honestly? I knew that...
Taylor Swift-
has a gynecologist.
So does Hillary Clinton.
And your grandmother.
Also, I was trying to download a flashlight app for my phone and I typed in, “fleshlight.”
Who wants to get that one started with me?
I am a grown woman.
And I had a dream last night that I was studying in the library and kept having to go pee. Needless to say it was an incredibly close call. One that may not have hit the sheets but did require a diaper change.
Yes I just admitted this.
And yes I am 23 years old.
Just some reasons to love my mother
1) We spent approximately 15 minutes talking on the phone about how much we love our cats and how their personalities “are just so different!”
2) This quote: “Have you ever heard the song ‘Perfect,’ by Pink? I heard it today in the car and it made me think of you so I started crying. Pulled myself together before I got to Publix though, no worries.”
3) The...
I've never really considered vegetable soup a food...
I just proved myself wrong on a HUGE scale.
You’ve never seen anyone suck up a bowl of soup this fast.
Look next door neighbor,
We’re all guilty of listening to shitty music occasionally. I personally get pretty annoyed when people judge the music that makes me feel good. All of this aside though, please turn your Pink and Colbie Caillat down. The whole apartment complex can here it. I’m embarrassed. Also, what are you doing with that music on so loud? Eating lunch? Having sex? Studying? Is this a social...
Trying to find a decently intelligent discussion...
Just reading about the benefits of breast feeding. Oh someone commented! What did they say? That their sister REFUSED to bread feed and had diarrhea for a whole YEAR because of it! Also, that he’s sure he’s less likely to suffer from “old timers disease” since he drank his mother’s miracle milk.
I had my interview for the grad school program I...
and it was absolutely fucking perfect. I made them laugh (even when I potentially shared too much) and I could tell by their faces that they believed how much I wanted to help people. I asked how they would be notifying me about my status because I tend to get obsessive about checking the mail and after laughing genuinly, the main professor put her hand on my shoulder and told me that I really had...
So I'm reading the book, "Cunt."
And I’m really, really loving it.
I’m also realizing that I’ve been a pretty lame-ass feminist these past few years. Just in my day to day daily shit even. So it feels good to be working on that.
I helped a girl out in the parking lot at school today. Her car wouldn’t start and she needed a jump. I walked out just as these two guys were saying they couldn’t help and...
January 2011
6 posts
Have you ever seen the movie, "Philadelphia?"
I’m sure you have. But have you ever spent the last 30 minutes of the movie straight sobbing? And then looking up at your boyfriend and family and apologizing because you have no idea why you can’t stop crying? And then you wipe your snot on your pj-shirt and sleep in it? And then you wake up at 4 AM to pee and your eyes are fucking swollen? From crying for so long?
Grad School...
I leave horrible voicemails.
They are high pitched.
Way too wordy.
And half the time, as soon as the machine beeps I forget who I’m calling.
At least I can send a WICKED ass email though huh?
There's not a lot more frustrating for me
than making a statement or a point about equality for all people (women, people with disabilities, and gays are my main thing) -and getting:
a) a fucking smirk that mine as well just say, “well that sounds sweet.”
b) the other smirk that says, “USUAL NICOLE STATEMENT!!!”
c) a comment somewhere along the lines of, “things really aren’t as bad as you think they...
December 2010
2 posts
My last day interning with 6th graders.
I know I’ve shared the 6th grade bathroom stories before. But it needs to be brought to the surface again.
On my last day, at some point after lunch I needed to make a quick stop at the bathrooms. I stop at the first door and peek in, speckles of shit all over the seat. I move onto the next door and sneak around to look. A GIANT shit that looks impossible for any 11-13 year old girl to push...
November 2010
7 posts
“Merlin (her cat) you want to come poop with me?”
– Sister
“I’ve been hitting the vodka pretty hard lately. Tryin to drink less beer...”
– Dad
I guess I'm not hot enough to get hollered at:
I just get a creepy man who leans out of his car window and says, “psssssttt…”
Shhhh…whisper it. You like how I look? You like how I ride my bike home from internship?
My relationship defined:
Josh: “We’re so gender neutral and organic.”
Me: “Agreed.”
MY GOD
I am attracted to funny women.